What men believe
Most men think the next breakthrough comes from becoming a better version of themselves.
I don't.
Too many of of us believe that the secret to relational harmony (and life itself) lies in discovering the one self improvement plan to end them all.
What I used to believe was that the secret to solving conflict is found in developing hacks and practices to control myself from escalating conflict. I believed that if I could just keep calm, I could weather any hurricane. That would solve it.
In 2013, I stopped drinking. Shortly after that, I took up meditation. Eventually, after a few years of practice, I went on a couple ten-day silent retreats. All of these choices were powerful choices that changed my relationship with others and myself.
None of those choices removed friction from my relationships, which is even more maddening after all that inner work.
Most hacks around how to control what triggers us only work part of the time. They also start from an assumption that our all problems are because something is missing, that happiness is lies in figuring that out and filling the hole.
As such, I no longer believe in hacks or tactics. I don’t believe that what we need is out there somewhere, and I don’t believe that what really need is for others to change for us to find peace.
The necessary work that would prove this, starts with me, but it’s not something I need to do alone. In fact, I take the position that doing the work with someone else is the most powerful way to do it.
